I love negativity

Since my childhood people around me had always liked the positive characters in the movies. I was always fascinated by the negative characters. It's not that I had imbibed negativity or me being malevolent but the kind of pleasure I had derived from those characters was intangible. To produce the kind of stimulation within our brains, which would make us emotional (laugh, fear, etc.) just cannot be expressed in words.

'Frank Costello' played by Jack Nicholson in 'The Departed' was one of the best of its kind. He had played a sadistic boss of the Boston Irish mob. At the dock when Costello hangs up and walks along and sees Mark Whalberg and his boss Queenan step out; Costello not liking the conversation with them and the kind of smile on his face hiding his anger in turn humiliates them when Queenan says "I will get you, Frank.", Costello reciprocates "If you coulda then you woulda, but I guess you like to go at your own pace." The expression of nuances by Nicholson in this shot would make you laugh.

I watched 'Dana Veera Sura Karna' in its second/third release during late eighties or early nineties. I was never interested in mythological movies (I used to watch Ramayan serial every Sunday in the DD National though) and was forcibly taken to that movie by my dad. I was awe-stricken with NTR's performance in the role of Dhuryodhana. Especially the shot in which Dhuryodhana fights against the duel committee, who refuses Karna for not having a clan and kingdom. NTR was superb, be it his command over Telugu, pronunciation, or cult expressions (I don't know the meaning of many words he uttered though). By the end of the shot, his vibrance made me feel that I was really watching Dhuryodhana.

And many other, Chiranjeevi in 'Idi katha ladu'; Mohan Babu in 'M Dharmaraju M.A.'; Heath Ledger in 'The Dark Knight'; Kevin Spacey in 'Seven'; Amjad Khan in 'Sholay'; Kota in 'Gayam'; etc..

A few memories of Samyuktha School

I was doing my 3rd Standard in Samyuktha High School, Anakapalle and one day a girl took admission in our school and to my fortune she joined in my class. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. She was fair, agile and suave. Believe it or not her face was spotless; maybe because of minimal impact of hormones at that age. She was in casual wear (that time we used to call it civil dress); white nylon frock with jaunty red scarf around her neck elevated her beauty. I did not notice the foot wear though. She was my first crush and I was completely infatuated.

Later I was introduced to her by one of my girl classmates and I came to know her name, Anjali. I used to sit in the first row as I was short and to my luck she was also in the same row, next column beside me. Many times she stared at me and my classmates used to tease me for that. I still remember, one day she came to me and congratulated and shook hands with me for winning second prize in elocution; that was my first physical contact with her, as matter of fact any girl; her hands were unctuous. Also, once I sat next to her in the school bus on our way to excursion. I thought of asking her to marry me, but fearing that should we complain to the Principal, who would ask me to come with my dad next day, I resigned.

When I was in 5th Standard, school management was in the process of recruiting a Biological Sciences (BS) teacher. For the time being our Physical Sciences teacher was instructed to take BS classes as well. One day they announced that a new teacher will take BS from next week. I was never interested in any science classes (except Math) and some of my girl classmates were very curious to see the new teacher (I still do not know why there were so). As the time rolled, our new BS teacher came to the class and the first time I laid my eyes on her I did not like her for some reason. As the time progressed I started liking her and I always looked at her straight into her eyes. Well, boy of that age does not know much about chestnuts and snowballs.

One day I came to know that she is getting married and I was depressed (that was my first depression). I wept for sometime and was morose for the whole day. Later when she returned to the School after marriage she gained weight and was looking more beautiful than before. This could be because other systems within her were activated. I still remember her wearing a blue saree and a matching blouse which was slightly revealing the cleavage and me sitting in the first row got a good sight of that. I was a little scared and at the same time enjoyed her sensuously pleasing beauty.

A few dialogues which I liked

21 Grams -

"There is a number hidden in every act of life, in every aspect of the universe. Fractals, matter...that there's a number screaming to tell us something. Am I boring you?"

"No. No. L..."

"I'm sorry. I guess I try to tell them that numbers are a door...to understanding a mystery that's bigger than us. How two people, strangers, come to meet. There's a poem by a Venezuelan writer that begins...'The earth turned to bring us closer. It turned on itself and in us...until it finally brought us together in this dream.'"

"That's beautiful."

"There's so many things that have to happen for two people to meet and...Anyway, that's...that's what mathematics are."


The Shawshank Redemption -

"I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I like to think it was something so beautiful...it can't be expressed in words...and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared...higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like a beautiful bird flapped into our drab cage...and made those walls dissolve away. And for the briefest of moments...every last man at Shawshank felt free."


The Godfather -

"I've known you many years, but this is the first time you've asked for help. I can't remember the last time you invited me for a cup of coffee. Even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let's be frank here. You never wanted my friendship. And you were afraid to be in my debt."

"I didn't want to get into trouble."

"I understand. You found paradise in America. You made a good living, had police protection and there were courts of law. You didn't need a friend like me. But now you come to me and say, 'Don Corleone, give me justice.' But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfather. You come on my daughter's wedding day and ask me to murder for money."

"I ask you for justice."

"That is not justice. Your daughter is alive."

"Let them suffer, then, as she suffers. How much shall I pay you?"

"Bonasera, Bonasera. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come in friendship, the scum that ruined your daughter would be suffering this very day. And if an honest man like you should make enemies, they'd be my enemies. And then they would fear you."

"Be my friend? Godfather?"

"Good. Some day, and that day may never come, I'll ask a service of you. But until that day...accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day."

"Grazie, Godfather."

"Prego."


Saving Private Ryan -

"I have a letter here...written a long time ago to a Mrs Bixby in Boston. So bear with me.

Dear Madam,

I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five...sons who died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine that would attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering to you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the republic they died to save. I pray that Our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement and leave only the cherished memory of the loved lost...and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Yours very sincerely and respectfully...
Abraham Lincoln."

Selfish and Selfless

I always feel that there are two kinds of people in this world, selfish and selfless. And there is a special category who doesn't fit into the above two breeds, they're the ones who doesn't even know the meaning of self and I was one among them.

Since my birth till a few years back I was driven by my father, mother, brother, etc.. This was because my mind wasn't proactive, perhaps was inactive most of the times; I didn't have any goals, ambitions, etc.. Even now also I don't have any goals as such. But I've imbibed 'self'. Whatever the decisions I take are completely under my control. Of course I take the inputs from others but the final decision would be mine.

As time progressed I realized that I'm the most selfish person in this world. I've certain rigid boundaries and I always psyche myself with elements present within and I don't think of anything/anyone else. Many people I daily deal were pissed off most of the times as I don't respond to the things they expect me to. This is because I don't have an opinion and I don't intend to think of them due to lack of interest or I want to stay ignorant. I never care what the other person thinks of me unless and until that affects me or the persons whom I care about.

Most of the people misunderstand the meaning of selfish and selfless and use them in opposite ways.

Selfish are against altruism and never believe in cooperation and collaboration as they're always self-dependent in their conscience. It doesn't mean that they don't seek advice, suggestion from others or don't work in congregation. Its the self-respect and the positive ego that makes them to think that way. They're the most self-centered and self-focused and these particular qualities make them the most successful.

Selfless always crave for greatness, fame, admiration, etc. in other people's eyes and eventually others dictate the convictions, which they never hold, but always get satisfied that others believed that they're holding them. They've no concerns for the facts, ideas, work, etc.. They're concerned only with others and crave for their positive feedback. They die with a guilty feeling that they're selfish, but the fact is that they aren't. And they don't realize that they lack self.

Selfless die much before they actually die. The one who doesn't even know the meaning of self are already dead but still scared of death. Selfish are eternal.

The moment my mother hated me..

One day my mother and I were watching an entertainment (news) channel and the reporter was asking pilgrims of Alampur about their experiences on the visit to the temple. I inquired my mother about the significance of this place and she enlightened me on this.

Belief has it that Parvati married Shiva against her father Daksha's wishes and Parvathi immolates herself for the insult by her father. Shiva grief-striken and imbalanced emotionally, performed the rudra tandava dance, carrying the corpse of Parvati. The Universe unable to bear the fury of the dance requested Vishnu to intervene, and Vishnu used his chakra to tear the body into several pieces, and bring down the fury of Shiva's tandavam. The severed pieces of Parvati's body are believed to have landed in several spots across the region, and these are referred to as Shakti Peethams. And Alampur is one of the eighteen Sakthi Peetams.

After she finished telling the whole myth, I asked her why the pieces had landed only in India and not in other countries like France, Japan, US etc. when they say the whole world is ruled/defied by Trimurthis. She was clueless. I told her that all our Vedas and Puranas doesn't exist and they're just stories to teach us what is right and what is wrong. And she started believing that God doesn't exist, whatever she was taught/read about God was just an illusion and God is just a belief. Once she realized that I was re-programming her subconscious mind too, she came out of whole thing I was trying to tell her, she despised me for that moment and we laughed together later.

If God doesn't exist then whoever has written those Puranas and Vedas has terrific creativity, knowledge and imagination and I'd say he/she is better than any philosopher, writer, director, etc..

To be very honest I'm not an Atheist and I too strongly believe in God. That being said, whether God exist or not is still a question to me and my childish nature makes me question on certain things. When my thinking goes beyond the scope of human capability/capacity like Solar System, Milky-way, Galaxy, etc. makes me realize then there is someone who is controlling the whole thing and we named him as God.

I've some respect for prostitutes

Long time ago I read a column in the "Eenadu" sunday edition on R Narayana Murthy, who was very popular for his revolutionary films and in some parts of Andhra Pradesh masses treat him as the demigod. In that column he shared all his life experiences.

That time East and West Godavari Districts were affected badly by the floods. Narayana Murthy and his friends were shook emotionally by this incident and started to collect money, clothes, etc. from each and every house in their village. In this process they had visited a prostitute's house and requested her to donate something for the flood victims. She replied, I don't have any customers since morning and if you could wait till tomorrow I'll be able to donate. After reading this my perception towards prostitutes has changed significantly. I thought they're just human who derive pleasure and money from the work they does and nothing else.

I started to think of the consequences that lead them to prostitution. If not all some of them were definitely driven by the dynamics and the situations around lead them to this state. And I respect the prostitutes who were forced into and continue to hate the rest all.

Chiranjeevi Vs Chiranjeevi

5 or 6 years ago Chiranjeevi in the one of the interviews said that he used to overact as compared to the films released after 90s. I wasn't convinced with that statement considering the films "Swayam Krushi", "47 Rojulu", "Manavoori Pandavulu", "Subalekha", "Abhilasha", "Challenge", "Aaradhana", "Idi Katha Kadu", etc.. I'd say his films released prior to 90s were better than the films released after, barring a few.

I find most of the stars did better films during the starting of their careers. This is because the director, writer, producer etc. don't bother to think about the actor, they only think of the character. They prepare an actor for a character and not a character for an actor. This I'm saying only in the context of an actor who does have a stardom however a few exceptions are there.

Coming back to Chiranjeevi's films, I find "Rudraveena" much better than "Tagore" in the intellectual and emotional sense. Both the films dealt with "For a better society" concept.

"Rudraveena" was about the ideological clash between a person and his father; what is the use of music if it disassociates with the commoner and lives of those it touches. Though it didn't deal totally with the "For a better society" concept, the approach for social reform was very much appealing. Chiranjeevi was at his best in this film; I was surprised to know that he didn't win best actor award for this film. His performance was far better as compared to his performance in "Indra", for which he won Nandi Award.

"Tagore" was about an individual who is fed up with corruption, forms an anti-corruption force to eradicate it. Till here it sounds good but the approach didn't appeal to me as it was miles away from reality. No dumb professor would preach his students to kill the corrupted government officials. I couldn't control despising Srisri's "Nenu saitam" as the movie spoiled the mood of the song.

"Tagore" was far better than "Rudraveena" in terms of the collections and to correct myself emotionally too in the sense of anger. That's the only emotion I found through out the film. Of course, I experienced other emotions as well in rare, single sparks that flash and die without consequences.

An awful thought that I'm proud of

One day I was standing in the ca campus 5th floor balcony or sit-out and was watching a group of workers talking to each other on the roadside. I don't know what happened, all of a sudden all the workers started to run towards the compound wall of ca. For some reason I was terrified as it reminded me of the terrorists attack on Taj Hotel and Oberoi Trident in Mumbai and I was shocked as I presumed that these guys were about to attack ca. While I was still being shocked, the workers stopped as if someone pulled them from the back and soon I realized that these guys were having fun after a day's work just to cheer up themselves.

After I came out of my hallucination I laughed at myself and thought what if a terrorist group as matter of fact any anti-social group attack a software company in the same way. This very thought reminded of a line from "The Dark Knight".

Do you wanna know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the little emotions. You see, in their last moments people show you who they really are.

I was the little repugnant of myself for being anti-social in theory. That being said, each and every director who deals with anti-social subjects would think in the same way and I was mighty proud of this awful thought.

If I make a movie on this I'd adopt "Spy Game" narration style.

I've been a failure

Many times in my life I felt most of the people I've come across are doing what they have to instead of what they want to; I'm no exception. This could be the reason why I see a very few who have been successful and have had a quite satisfaction many a time in their lives. Having said that, I'm a very confused person, I don't know what I want to and that's the reason why I'm in IT.

For Society success is a relative term in the sense that human always feel successful by comparing with its relatives, neighbours, colleagues, etc. and to my knowledge no other living being has this sort of nature. I re-define success as someone doing something that he/she wants to.

In my hometown Tenali, there are a few doctors (for instance Mr. Patibandla Dakshina Murthy) who happened to be my relatives have been very successful in their profession. That's because they have been doing what they wanted to. Though I didn't interact much with them and all this I'm saying is what I perceived from my parents who spoke with them every now and then, other relatives and I never heard anyone telling or speaking wrong about their work/profession.

After I'm done with post graduation I was jobless for a long time. During that time we had our bathroom renovated and I happened to meet this person who fixes tiles for bathroom. What I've observed in was he had been punctual and very particular and careful while doing his work. I could see that he has done it with so much concentration and it didn't matter for him me observing the whole thing, that's because I don't exist for him as he was immensely involved in his work.

One day after a day's work I had a brief talk with him about his work and lifestyle. I never cared about the veracity and what I perceived from him was he was happy for what he had been doing through out the years and pretty much content. He was single and whatever he had been earning was more than enough for his lifestyle.

My whole point about this blog is I still don't know what I want to; I'm still on a quest...